February 10, 2025
Let’s talk about financial freedom. Or rather, let’s talk about how banks like Humongous Bank & Broker (HB&B) have turned your journey to financial freedom into a cross-country road trip where they’re the driver, navigator, mechanic, and the guy who sells you overpriced snacks at every rest stop. Buckle up because this metaphor is about to get as delightfully absurd as HB&B’s fee structure.
The Dealership Experience: “You Can’t Afford Not to Buy This!”
Imagine walking into a car dealership where the salesperson isn’t just selling you a car—they’re selling you the concept of driving. HB&B isn’t merely your banker; they’re the Willy Wonka of the automotive-financial complex. They’ll hand you keys to a shiny new sedan while whispering, “You’re richer than you think!” (a phrase that roughly translates to, “You’ll be poorer than you’d like after we’re done”).
But here’s the twist: HB&B doesn’t just sell you the car. They’re also the manufacturer, the insurer, the mechanic, the gas station attendant, and the guy who stands ominously in your rearview mirror asking if you’ve considered their premium windshield wiper subscription. Want to drive to the grocery store? HB&B will insist you need a luxury SUV with heated seats, a satellite radio package, and a bumper-to-bumper warranty that covers “existential dread caused by market volatility.”
The Maintenance Plan: Because Your Wallet Isn’t Light Enough
Once you’ve bought the car, HB&B’s team of “helpers” descends like seagulls on a french fry. Their Managing Director of Hubcaps—a man who’s never met a hubcap he couldn’t upsell—will spend 90 minutes explaining why you need titanium-plated rims for your Honda Civic. “These bad boys don’t just store value,” he’ll say, winking. “They appreciate.” (Spoiler: They don’t. They’re hubcaps.)
Then there’s the exterior wax that promises to make your car “shinier than the competition’s retirement portfolio.” The interior leather treatment that’s “as essential as diversifying your assets.” The undercoating that protects against “road salt and inflation.” Every add-on comes with a fee, a surcharge, and a complimentary pamphlet titled Why You’re Too Dumb to Drive Without Us.
Navigation Services: Detours Included!
Now, let’s hit the road! HB&B offers a GPS named Mavis Beacon Teaches You to Lose Money Slowly. Type in your destination—say, “Retirement”—and Mavis will cheerfully suggest a route that includes six toll booths, a scenic detour past HB&B’s partner resorts (timeshares available!), and a mandatory stop at their affiliate’s gas station, where unleaded optimism costs $9.99/gallon.
Dare to take the wheel yourself? HB&B’s team of backseat drivers will materialize, shouting, “Are you sure you want to merge onto the Index Fund Freeway? What if there’s traffic?! Let us handle it—for a small fee!” Their “Self-Driving Software” (yes, the typo is intentional) promises autonomy but requires a $299/month subscription. Cancel anytime*! (*Cancellation fees apply. Also, we’ll key your car.)
The Illusion of Choice: “You’re in Control! (Kidding.)”
HB&B’s pièce de résistance? Convincing you that you’re the boss. “Go ahead, pick your own investments!” they say before sliding you a menu where every option is an HB&B-branded mutual fund with a 2% expense ratio. It’s like asking a toddler to choose between broccoli and “broccoli-shaped ice cream.” Either way, HB&B wins.
Even if you insist on DIY investing, they’ll still charge you for “custodial services”—a phrase that makes you feel both infantilized and mildly violated. “We’ll just hold your keys for you,” they purr. “In case you… lose them.” (Translation: “In case you realize our fees are highway robbery.”)
The Road Less Funded: Escaping HB&B’s Joyride
Here’s the good news: Cars don’t have to come with a circus of clowns in suits. You can learn to change your own oil (low-cost index funds), navigate without a toll-ridden GPS (DIY investing platforms), and resist the siren song of gold-plated hubcaps (literally anything crypto).
Will HB&B weep into their silk handkerchiefs as you cancel their “Premium Air for Tires” subscription? Absolutely. But imagine the freedom of driving where you want, blasting your playlist, and keeping your money for actual gas instead of metaphorical upsells.
So next time HB&B revs its engine in your driveway, smile, wave, and remember: The only thing “richer than you think” is their CEO’s stock portfolio. Your journey? It’s yours to steer.